I was driving to work, flipping channels on the radio until a song came on that I liked and sang along to (only aloud in the car when no one else is around!) After the song ended, the radio dude started into some conversation about what song would you tattoo on your body. Well, that's a no brainer for me as it's something I've wanted to do since I got saved. That question stuck in my head and nagged at my soul for the rest of the day, and I knew it was that small still voice telling me that my column needed to be in response to that.
Now, I have shared my testimony with friends, community groups, even in a sermon at a small church. I LOVE sharing my testimony and what God has done in my life. But to write it out, and have it sent out through the eNewsletter to our ENTIRE church, knowing that it gets posted on Facebook and Twitter was pretty darn intimidating. What if people that don't know me that well read it? What about my own friends? What about my colleagues? I'm sure someone reading it would just LOVE to diagnose me. What about the nonbeliever or the seeker that reads it and thinks I'm a nut job? Oh the voice of intimidation. But deep deep down I kept hearing
WHAT ABOUT THE PERSON/PEOPLE THAT NEED TO READ THIS? What about those that struggle with similar issues? What about myself, 11 years ago, pre-Jesus, new to Tallahassee?
So, I surrendered. I sat down last Saturday, trembling, and wrote. It was difficult in that I had to limit it to 500 words...that's coming from someone that just finished writing 110 page prospectus. Scripture after scripture after scripture kept coming to my mind. And I wrote my story.
Matt had no idea that was what I was going to write. I told him how excited I was that I got asked to, and told him about some of my ideas. So I'm pretty sure he was taken aback when I went into his man cave, with tears in my eyes, asking him to read "my dirty laundry." Of course he knows the story, so it wasn't anything new to him, and he agreed that it was well enough written that I could send it. So with trembling in my hands, I sent it. This is what it said:
Dear Mr. Radio Dude,
Sorry, I don't know who you are because I'm a compulsive station changer. All I know is that after yet another Toby Keith song about how great the US of A is, you asked your listeners, "If you had to tattoo
the lyrics of a song on your body, what would it be?" Well, I didn't respond because a) I didn't know who you are, and b) I was just pulling into work. So here's my response.
Ever since I got saved in September of 2000, I've wanted to have the lyrics from Darrell Evans' "Trading my Sorrows" tattooed on me. Why? Because when I got saved, Jesus completely made me a new person. He changed me from a confused, depressed, suicidal cutter (that had a perfect perky façade of "Everything's just fine!"), into a New Creation. Part of the song lyrics are "I'm trading my sorrow, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord," which is PRECISELY what I did. I am convinced that if Jesus hadn't saved me then, I would not be here today, it wouldn't have been long before I took my own life.
Now, that doesn't mean that life was perfect from that point on. The song continues with "I'm pressed but not crushed, Persecuted not abandoned, Struck down but not destroyed, I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure, And his joy's gonna be my strength" which references 2 Corinthians 4:8. Jesus never says it's going to be easy. But he does promise that "in all things God works for the good of those who life him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Jesus also equips us to "Fight the good fight of the faith, Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called" (1 Timothy 6:12) and to "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6: 11).
In the past 11 years, though I know Jesus has healed me, the Devil still tempts. There have been times where I've been like Habakuk (see The Minors - Week 7) yelling at God "What's going on?!?" As I watched my church family fall apart early in my walk, or as my father got diagnosed with cancer twice in 2 years and watch him struggle to wake up after surgery, or while dealing with infertility while everyone else is having (planned and surprise) babies and all the while not understanding why two sets of friends have lost their infants. There have been days, where I am fighting old urges, old temptations, wanting to cope with pain through my old ways of cutting or even thinking that I'd be better off dead. But now, because of Jesus, I can fight back. But sometimes, I have to remember that "I'm trading my sorrows."
So that, Mr. Radio Dude, is the song I would choose to tattoo to my body.
Jessica is a Doctoral Candidate in Special Education, a Research Assistant at the Florida Center for Reading Research, married to Matt Folsom, a sound engineer extraordinaire, and a soon-to-be first time mom!
Here I am, 10:20 on Thursday night, it came out this morning. Before I even was out of bed (don't worry, it wasn't that early - preggers doesn't like waking up!), I had messages on Facebook and in my inbox thanking me for my honesty, bravery, and celebrating what Jesus has done in my life. While it feels awesome to know that people are enjoying it, my prayer is that it will really touch the 2011 person of who I was 11 years ago, and that it will serve as an encouragement to them, and they will hear Jesus speaking to them like I did. Will you join me in that prayer?
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